It's quiet, but all's well

Boy, it's been a while since we posted anything. We haven't been very focused on wedding planning since Alan and I have rarely overlapped on time at home (awake and/or with clear minds) since...Thanksgiving. Right now, we're deciding on what we would like the Save the Date cards to look like, but that's about it.

And, personally, because I can't speak for Alan, I've been fretting a bit over what to do with my extremely un-bridal hair. It's short, and it's going to be short, and that's just the way it is. I'm of two minds about a veil, but it seems impossible to find a place to try one on, just to see what it looks like. I'm thinking of ordering one online, but what if I hate it? Fret, fret, fret.

Otherwise--life goes on! My show closed last week, Alan's closes this weekend, then we have a week, then Alan goes to Michigan, so the first weekend in January will be the first time since early November that we'll spend a Friday and Saturday night together without shows! Huzzah.

Social networking gone TOO FAR

If Alan even THINKS of doing THIS during the wedding ceremony, there won't be a reception because we'll be too busy getting the marriage annulled. Immediately.

And one more thing (this gets its own post)

We booked our photographer! Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the synergistic, incredible, lovely and talented...

Emily Takes Photos

Because she is AMAZING. And her photos are AMAZING. And et cetera ad infinitum!

Epiphanies abound!

We are truly doing cake and punch (or pie and sangria, or pudding and lemonade, etc. etc. etc.) during the reception. Truly, truly, for real for real. We sat down and looked at the budget again last week after a couple months of not looking at it--during which time we put down deposits on the location, my dress, the photographer, and a couple other things--and had to take a moment and catch our collective breath. All of a sudden, we're having a moderately expensive wedding! Not outrageously so, thank god, not even probably what most wedding-planning-people would think of as expensive, but it was a bit of a shock to us. And so, after talking about doing hors d'oeuvres [sic, for the love of god, sic] or box lunches (and LADIES! If you are having lunch after your wedding, the BOX LUNCH is highly economical!), we're going to go with our original old fashioned plan.

I know there might be some eye rolling and scoffing at this plan, perhaps a bit of, "we came all the way out here for this?" but the people we care about the most--and who care about US the most--(hopefully) won't care. Or shouldn't care. Or will think it's awesome. I think it's awesome!

You are regretfully invited...

Click on the image to see the full invitation in all it's glory.

Invite courtesy of http://wedding-invitation-wording.co.cc/wedding-invitation.jpg

This is exactly what ours will look like. Except Alan is not a doctor, and I am not a cheap two bit tramp. So, other than that...

Psych! Kidding. Also, I don't have a nut allergy. But this IS the first image that comes up when you google "wedding invitation wording." Just so you know.

A tempest in a tea pot

Weddings are beasts, and I'm going to go ahead and put it out there: we're having a small wedding. And there will be family (on both sides) that won't be invited, and there will be friends (on both sides) that won't be invited, and there might be wailing and tears and the rending of garments and the pulling of hair at the injustice of it all. But we want a small wedding, and Alan has a lot of family, and I have a lot of local people, so decisions have to be made, and at the end of the day, we want to keep it small.

Why do we want to keep it small? Well, cost is a factor. Cost is a major factor, even though we're not doing favors and don't have to subsidize parking or anything. We'll be feeding everyone light hors d'oeuvres, yes, but it's still expensive. Plus, we would like to actually have the possibility of spending time with our guests, some of whom will be coming from very far away. But mostly, it's because neither of us enjoy being in the spotlight, being on display, and we don't really see why we should invite every single person we have some sort of relationship with, because weddings are about coming together with the people you know and love best.

So, yes--we aren't inviting people. It's not personal, it's just our preference.

What's Behind a Tradition?

Photo from the State Library Queensland, Australia

As previously stated, there are number of things we’re not planning on having at the wedding. The only one that I felt a tiny twinge about was the “first dance”, even though it really doesn’t fit with our wedding or our personalities. I got to thinking though, what is it about a first dance that I find appealing or meaningful? What’s the point of the first dance?

I don’t think it’s to show off the happy couple’s dancing prowess, nor is it meant to be a big grandiose performance. Suddenly turning a wedding into an episode of Glee or a Bollywood movie might be fun, but it doesn’t really have anything to do with what a “wedding” actually is.

To me a wedding is about standing up in front of everyone you know (or a portion thereof) and declaring that this is the person you’re going to love for the rest of your life and then celebrating that love. Traditions like a first dance give the guests an opportunity to witness the happy couple in love. It’s an intimate moment, but one that’s still socially acceptable to watch, where people can see the couple interacting and (hopefully) showing their love for each other through their body language.

The “clink clink smooch” thing serves the same purpose, except it surrenders control of the moment into the hands of your guests which can be highly unfortunately if they’re drunk and obnoxious.

But now, knowing the point of the first dance, we can look for other opportunities to serve the same purpose in ways that our more us. Ways as simple as holding hands as we walk around the reception, or more formal like cutting the cake. That's another moment when we see the bride and groom interacting in an intimate moment: feeding each other (which is of course why smashing cake in the person’s face is obnoxious unless that’s really how the two of you express your love for each other).

This will NOT be necessary

I can't believe there's a guide for how to pee in a wedding dress. Oh, who am I kidding? Of course I can believe it! Behold the glory: How to Use the Restroom in a Wedding Gown.

Wedding Hair

It's hard to have wedding hair when (dun dun dun!) one gets the shortest haircut of one's life!

And no, I don't plan on growing it out. It would be such a horrible awkward length if I did. Plus, my hair laughs at curling irons and doesn't really even try to hold a curl but gives up in confusion (you want me to do what?! Like hell!).

Fascinators FTW! Like this perhaps, or this for a bit more color or THIS!

The problem with Etsy, of course, is the constant updating of pretty things.

This is all just to say that I got my hair cut on Saturday and asked for shorter and it is SHORT but I like it. I still jump a little when I look in the mirror (I can see my ears! My ears are exposed!) but I like it.

This is crazy!

Our appointment at The Wedding Party was cut short on Saturday because one of the ladies (consultants? I don't know what to call them) was really sick, and the woman who was helping us had to take her to the emergency room.

Guess what was wrong with her. Seriously. Ok, fine, I'll tell you--she had APPENDICITIS! And she had to have her appendix removed that night! Isn't that nuts? Good thing she was taken to the ER!

But it's all ok--they sent me all the information I need via email, and we have a new appointment for this coming Saturday so I can finalize my stuff (and pay), and so Emily can look at wedding dresses for her own wedding in March. Huzzah!

Eyes for color!

Emily and I went to The Wedding Party on Saturday for a variety of reasons that don't all pertain to this blog. It's a small but gorgeous boutique on College & Alcatraz in Berkeley that carries about six or seven bridal and formal wear designers. Everything they sell is lovely, and most of it is well priced, plus the ladies who run the place are fantastic.

Anyway. Unforeseen and unfortunate circumstances caused our appointment to be cut short, but fortunately not before I was able to see how the 3 colors Alan and I tentatively picked for our ladies dresses look together (that is a very long sentence). The colors look GREAT! I'd ordered 6 swatches off the Lynn Lugo website based on colors Alan and I both like (we are bipartisan in wedding planning). We played around with them before settling on the 3 we thought were best. It was a great relief on Saturday when I was able to see 2 dresses (one orange, one pink) and a large piece of (blue) fabric hanging next to each other, looking AWESOME. Slap a cream colored sash on each one to pull it all together, and we're good to go.

And now that we have that squared away, it's easier to think about flowers and other stuff that kind of depends on color. We don't have wedding colors--we made the specific decision to not have specific colors--but knowing that our ladies will be looking fly in orange, blue or pink definitely helps with everything else!

So glad we don't get WEtv

We house/dogsat for my parents this weekend (happy 30th anniversary, parents!). They have satellite TV and get a lot of different channels. Alan and I traded off dog watching and tv watching--I watched the dog on Saturday while he watched tv, and vice versa on Sunday. Unfortunately, I spent a great deal of time watching WEtv (a channel we, as cable subscribers, don't get). Specifically, I watched a couple episodes of Bridezillas. It's so awful.

I was going to write a post about it, and how awful these women were, and how awkward it is to watch a show like that, to see anyone treating people the way their families and friends (and vendors, for that matter) ended up being treated. But now that I think about it, and think about what I watched, I can't do it. It makes me uncomfortable to even think about the show--I mean, the producers are completely exploiting these women, and these women (though they may act this way anyway) enjoy being exploited. It's gross. Gross! Ladies: do not play into society's expectations of how you should/are expected to act. Fight the WIC!

Inapporpriate Wedding Songs

Local radio station KFOG played an all wedding song 10-at-10 today. One of the songs reminded me how many songs get played at weddings that are really completely inappropriate if you actually listen to the lyrics. Here are a few that are likely not to played at our wedding:

I Knew the Bride When She Used to Rock and Roll – Nick Lowe
This was the aforementioned song they played this morning:

She used to do the pony…
She used to wanna party
She used to wanna go

So basically you knew the bride when she was a slut, and based on the “secret smile” line, you did her too.



I Will Survive – Gloria Gaynor
This one pretty much speaks for itself, and yes I’ve heard it at weddings. There’s nothing like a song about a horrible break-up kick start your life together.

Go on now go walk out the door
just turn around now
'cause you're not welcome anymore

Brick House – The Commodores
This song might have been played at every wedding I went to this summer. I wasn’t keeping track, but it seemed like it. What’s this song about?

The lady's stacked and that's a fact,
ain't holding nothing back…
She's the one, the only one,
who's built like a amazon…
She knows she got everything
a woman needs to get a man, yeah.
How can she use, the things she use
36-24-36, what a winning hand!

That’s right, a song about the bride’s rack. Nice… I guess it’s appropriate depending on the bride. Although, I don't know about you, but I don't know many woman who would take being called "a amazon" as a compliment.



Let’s Get It On – Marvin Gaye
Aside from being a little to sexually explicit for your average wedding, this song has three possible interpretations, none of which are particularly wedding appropriate.

The first two interpretations stem from the song being all about a man trying to convince a woman to sleep with him even though it’s “wrong”. If you’re of a religious bent, this could simply mean he wants to have premarital sex. Otherwise it’s a song about infidelity. Perfect for a wedding.

What’s the third option? I’ll let this snippet of lyrics tickle your imagination:

Beggin' you, baby, I want to get it on
You don't have to worry that it's wrong
If the spirit moves you, let me groove you good
Let your love come down

Know any more?

But--it's a WEDDING! CUE THE DOVES!

I started a post about traditions over on Tumblr before we decided to move the blog. Specifically, of course, wedding/bridal traditions. I didn't finish it--I kind of abandoned it--but it's a topic I find interesting. Not always interesting in a positive way, usually more like in a car cash on the freeway kind of a way. Wedding traditions are a massive subject, with some staying fairly constant and others changing and morphing from decade to decade or year to year.

That said, Alan and I have been to 4 weddings this year. Each was different from the last--a beautiful, fairly casual affair in a gorgeous backyard in Napa, a fancy oceanside event in Santa Monica, a relaxed and homey Baltimore wedding, and a pretty traditional (there's that word!) Catholic ceremony with glitzy reception in San Jose. We had a grand old time at each, hanging out with friends, congratulating the happy couple, and, most importantly, making lists of what we liked (and might do at our wedding) and what we weren't so keen on.

What follows, wedding purists, is a list of some stuff that we'll probably shove by the wayside:

1. The clinking thing (clinking on glasses to get the bride and groom to kiss during the reception. So annoying)

2. The garter toss. Alan just doesn’t know it yet, but I’m sure he’ll agree. Plus—my dress is short. How awkward that would be.

3. The money dance

4. Throwing rice. Does anyone even do that anymore? I don't think Mills even allows it.

5. Flower girl(s)

6. Ring bearer

7. Not seeing each other before the wedding

8. Unity candle

9. Sand ceremony

10. Unity cocktail (SERIOUSLY, I am so serious, I can't tell you how stupid I think it is)

11. The first dance

12. Guest book (we'll do...something else)

13. cake topper (probably)

14. FAVORS

I'm sure there will be more--those are just the ones I can think of off the top of my head. Shock and awe!

Moved

There, we're all moved over now from Tumblr. (some posts written by Diana say they're by me due to the transfer)

Goys take note:

The Giants are tentatively scheduled to play the Cubs in San Francisco the week after our wedding (Monday, Aug 9 through Thursday, Aug 12).

You're welcome.

Buying a wedding

This wedding business is stupidly expensive. We knew it, we didn't enter into it with blinders on, we thought we were prepared. And in a way, we're still prepared. We decided to not set a budget. That's right--this is a no budget wedding! All it mostly means, though, is that we're not shooting for a magic number.

A lot of wedding budgeting books and articles encourage being vague with vendors and ceremony/reception sites. Instead of reception, tell them it's a party! Instead of wedding ceremony, say it's a meeting! Stupid stuff, I tell you. It seems so dishonest and untrustworthy. I think a lot of wedding-related price markups have to do with the vendor feeling like if something isn't expensive enough, it'll be seen as too cheap for a wedding, since most people buy into the Wedding Industrial Complex and like to spend as much as they can on their Special Day (barf).

We thought about prevaricating a bit when beginning to talk to vendors, but then we realized that they aren't stupid: they're going to figure it out. They've probably had these conversations millions of times. And then you suddenly have this relationship that's built on lies and half truths, and really, what good does that do anyone? Just tell the truth--either something works for you, or it doesn't. If you need a better price, see if the vendor can work with you and your different price. If they can't, well, maybe you need to rethink your grand idea. Part of the reason we decided to change our reception place was due to catering restrictions and cost. It was a hard decision, and one we struggled with, but ultimately, we'll hopefully be happier (and have more money for other things). That's what it's about--finding what works for you and making it happen. It might take a bit more elbow grease, it might cause a few stupid fights (...), but as long as you're honest with the vendors and honest with each other, it'll work out. This wedding stuff is serious business, after all.

The NEW Reception

The NEW Reception: Mills College Alumnae House

U-turn Ahead

Today we potentially made a big u-turn in our planning process. We've been wrestling with the idea of catering since booking the Shoreline Center, since the East Bay Regional Parks District (EBRPD) has a list of required caterers, and are reluctant to shell out large amounts of money for a reception that will be only a few hours long.

So, if it all works out, we may soon scrap the Shoreline Center in favor of a closer location (one on the Mills College campus). The bonuses are obvious, once we really started thinking about it. It's still a beautiful location, but it's walkable from the chapel (or, for the older folks, driveable WITH parking right outside). It's easier to convince people of the informality when the reception is close at hand, so there's less of an expectation (one hopes) of grand gestures. We can really just have cake and maybe a few small things, plus drinks, and it's less of a letdown (if it was ever a letdown) because of the proximity to the chapel. One of the things we realized about going from the campus to the Shoreline Center is that it creates the illusion of a more formal reception, because there's the travel time in between. We aren't about formal. We also realized that we don't NEED to have particularly heavy hors d'oeuvres, since the reception is only three hours long!

So, the summary of this post is this: Changing venue. Why? Catering minimums too maximum.

Why NOT a Courthouse, a cake, and some punch?

Well before we got engaged, I told Alan that my ideal wedding would be a quick ceremony at the courthouse, followed by some cake and punch. I wasn't entirely kidding. It's fast, it's easy, and it's cheap: three things that cue gasps and pearl-clutching among the traditional wedding planning set: "Fast?! Easy?! CHEAP?! But it's the GREATEST DAY OF YOUR LIFE AND IT MUST BE AS EXTRAVAGANT AS POSSIBLE, YOU FOOL! CUE THE DOVES!"

But we aren't doing the courthouse with a cake and punch deal afterwards. We're not doing it for really just one main reason, sprinkled with smaller reasons, and that one main reason is family. It's important to both of us that our families be there (they have to meet sometime!), and both of us are the last to get married out of our siblings, who didn't necessarily all have traditional American weddings themselves.

It's going to be what we want, though, and everyone else be (at least a little) damned. The reception will be relaxed and easygoing, god willing, the ceremony short and sweet. It's definitely so far been and is going to continue to be a challenge to (time for a bit of drama) DEFY SOCIETAL EXPECTATIONS and make it what we want (end drama), but we are nothing if not stubborn.

Although, I'd be lying if I said we never wistfully dream of just a courthouse, a cake, and some punch.

The Reception

The Reception: Shoreline Center at Martin Luther King Jr. Regional Shoreline

• Photo 1


• Photo 2


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• Photo 5

The Chapel

The Chapel: Mills College

The Engagement